I haven’t been sleeping for the past few days and with my sleepless nights comes too much thinking and the realization that I may be a little bonkers. I want to share a very small portion of the weird things that go through my mind to see if I really am the only one or if I have any certifiable allies out there.
So last night after watching the fabulous return of The Real Housewives of NY, I decided to climb into bed at 10:15. Let’s start there. I am scared of the dark. I cannot turn off the light in my living room without turning on the light in my bedroom first. The idea of walking those 3 steps between the two in darkness strikes me with all-encompassing fear and my breathing speeds up, not good. If I end up in darkness, if only for a moment, I must turn on all the lights again before starting the whole process over properly. Someone could be hiding under my couch or behind my tv, I don’t take risks here.
I run from my light switch to my bed and I lay there. And I lay there. And I lay there some more. I try closing my eyes, I try opening my eyes. I try playing Line Birds and Race Penguin (download those games if you don’t have them already!) Nothing is working! I cannot sleep. Should I read? Should I get up? Should I stay laying still? Should I stop thinking? How does a person stop thinking? Is that what men do? Is it a conscious decision like I am trying to make it or does it just come naturally?
It is impossible to turn off my brain. That whole ”a woman needs to speak 20,000 words a day” is proving itself to be true. I lay there and I think about how many words I have spoken that day. The people I talked to at work, my clients, the lady at the gym. And then I realize I haven’t spoken out loud since 5:20pm. That’s 5 hours without noise coming out of my mouth while awake. I realize I haven’t de-compressed from my day. I haven’t spoken to any one about how my day was, what frustrated me (the annoying client that doesn’t trust what I say to be true, I’m not an idiot lady!!), what made me laugh (not much, I work in insurance, give me a break). And then I think, should I talk to myself?
And I lay there thinking. Seriously, should I decompress with myself? I start to have a conversation about my day, but for some reason don’t speak out loud. I find this odd because the whole idea was to use up my words for the day so I could turn off my brain and go to sleep, but no words will come out of my mouth. The conversation doesn’t help, I feel no more tired or ready for sleep, so I start spelling. And this is where I’m pretty sure I’m an anomaly.
When I get scared or antsy or nervous or anything really that needs relaxing or just mind numbing I spell the sentences I am thinking in my head. I literally do this.
Capital I space l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y space d-o space t-h-i-s period
I don’t know why I do this. It’s unusual, I know and I am resisting doing it right now while I type, but alas it worked! I fell asleep the quickest I have all week. And then, as luck would have it, I was jolted awake by the strum of my ring tone only to start the whole process all over again.
And that my friends, is one wonderful night inside my brain.