Archive for October, 2010


Sometimes my posts may be boring to some. Writing to me is incredibly freeing and like a counseling session and it has been wonderful getting back into it, even in this small way.

I apologize if anyone reading is bored. Doing this blog has had an impact on my soul, it is a release for me.

But really if you are bored, screw off because I don’t take criticism well. :)


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Is life anything like it is in the movies? Will it ever be? Do we all strive to do and be what the world (media) is telling us we should be?

I just watched the biggest chick flick, possibly ever made, Sex and the City 2 and my life is NOTHING like that. Let’s start out with the obvious shall we. Its Halloween weekend, potentially the biggest weekend for people in my age range to be going out and socializing, and I was sitting at home alone watching the movie. We never see Carrie sitting at home alone on a Friday night do we?

I don’t honestly know where I am going with this or why I even really felt the need to write, but I did so I’m continuing. Ahh yes lightbulb in my head.

So many people say don’t strive to be what you see on TV and in the magazines because it’s all fake, but, why not? What is so wrong with wanting to believe that one day I will be that rich or live that glamorous of a lifestyle or have that much romance? I don’t dwell on it, as I know I shouldn’t, but shouldn’t I be wanting to search for happiness and something greater? Didn’t I make a huge life change to find my deeper self and a smile in my heart again?

I know so many questions. Too many questions probably and I’m sorry for that but I’m just thinking as I type. (You’re choosing to read so deal with it.)

I think it’s nice to dream. When we are kids we watch fairy tales and we think one day we will grow up to be the Princess in the castle saved by the Prince (sorry I don’t know what boys think). Hopefully we know that we won’t truly be a Princess (not likely, but if a Prince proposed I wouldn’t say no) but I want to strive to be my own kind of ‘Princess’. What I mean is I want to strive for that intense happiness, that overwhelming satisfaction in life. And maybe its unrealistic and it will lead to nothing but disappointment, but we are told as children to reach for the stars and I don’t think there is anything wrong with expecting and striving for the best out of life.

There are a lot of people going about their daily lives and thinking “well I guess this is it, not going to get any better”, but that’s BULL. I’m not going to live my life that way, I am going to strive for better as I have been doing. I am going to expect more out of the people around me and out of myself. I want the better life, not the perfect life, but a happy life and I don’t care what any negative people say, there is nothing wrong with striving for something.

I will continue to wish upon the stars, the only difference is that now I know to never stop wishing, but to also do the work required to get my wish.

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How many people listen to kool 101.5? First and foremost they have the most ridiculous radio name and I don’t actually think its kool, or cool at all. But regardless, they have the best show on when I am driving home from work at 5. I believe it is called the 5 o’clock blender and it is this giant mix of the best music!

They play all these songs from like 10-15 years ago and it brings me back to my prime. Yes I am 24 years old and I consider my prime between grades 5 & 8. Those were truly the good ol’ days.

Those days were full of jelly bean dances, Spice Girls, crushes, being taller than the boys in my class, playing kick the can, going down the slides at the Village Square Leisure Centre, and my purple one piece outfit. I was popular, boys wanted to date me, I always had friends and things to do on Friday nights and I got invited to everyone’s birthday parties. Though really, looking back, with a purple one piece suit and ‘sun in’ orange hair,  I’m really unsure why.
Well that’s that, if you are ever driving down Southland between 5 & 5:30pm, look for my car because it’s a guarantee that I will be dancing and belting it out and I don’t care who sees me!

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The need for touch

Who has read’ The Five Love Languages’? If you haven’t, you must! It is a wonderful book for relationships of all types. Just for a FYI, the 5 love languages are: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service and physical touch. If you had asked me a year ago what my lowest need of those 5 were, I undoubtedly would have said physical touch. I would never have considered myself a “touchy” person and I wouldn’t today either, but it’s amazing how much you realize a need you have when you no longer have it easily available to you.  Now I’m not talking let’s get naked and cuddle kind of touching. I’m talking a daily hug, a hand in another, a pat on the back. Those are all things that are so eagerly given and taken in a relationship but not as much in your day-to-day with your friends or obviously acquaintances. While on my weekend away I was asked if I miss physical touch and I realized that is exactly what I am missing. When I am home alone and happy and having a good night (because I have learnt how to become good company to myself) and then all of a sudden a wave of sadness comes over me (yes there are tears often, its okay to cry I just don’t need anyone thinking this is a pity party) it’s not because I am technically lonely or because I need to have someone with me, it’s just my basic need for human touch has not been met that day.I don’t give my clients hand shakes, I don’t hug my co-workers, I don’t cuddle a pet (see previous post for explanation), so quite literally I can go an entire day having no physical contact with anyone.

I’m not really sure what the solution is to this so I googled it. One page suggested wearing silky clothing so your skin feels something comforting, ya right! Can you picture me wearing silk! Aint gonna happen any day soon I can tell you that. I already wear leggings to work nearly everyday but maybe I could find flannel ones, that has got to be comforting right?

Another suggestion was going for a monthly massage; do I look like I’m made of money? (there is a Christmas gift idea for me though PS)

Maybe I should make a sign that says free hugs and walk around with it on me all day. I don’t know. All I know is that it is absolutely a need, the same way food is a need for us. There are actually studies that prove that premature babies who have physical touch after birth are substantially more likely to survive, it starts at birth!!!

Now I’m not going to turn into some crazy woman who touches people too much when they are talking and making them feel uncomfortable, but I do think I may linger in a hug a bit longer if one is offered to me. Don’t worry, I still know that the international sign for “This hug is over” is the pat on the back, I won’t go crossing that line!

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Last & Best Purchase

I’m home! After I wrote my last post I was worried on the way to the airport that I was going to crash and die and that my post was going to sound prophetic. Like I knew I was going “home” as in to heaven…get it? Scary right! Well maybe I’m a little bit paranoid but that is irrelevant.

I had a wonderful weekend away and it relates perfectly to my next 30 day challenge post; what was the last thing I purchased.

The necessities for travel! Well actually the perfect combination would have replaced the Vitamin water with a CAN of diet coke but the damn airport doesn’t sell cans. Incredibly annoying as I won’t drink diet coke out of a bottle, totally not the same thing. It doesn’t stay crisp and cold and refreshing and pretty much ruins the whole diet coke experience.

I also want to share what I purchased right before my flight necessities, as some people seem to think I am very strange for this. So Monday morning we went out for a lovely breakfast and I got a delicious and huge meal. The meal I got (which I always get) includes pancakes, which I never eat at the restaurant. First reason for this is that the meal I get is WAY to big to eat everything and second is because I don’t really like hot pancakes, too sweet. So I take my pancakes to go along with peanut butter and jam (about 2 packets each per pancake, it’s not stealing, I am entitled to them with my meal, even if I smuggle them in my purse). So I’m not really sure if this is the strange part or if the strange part is that I brought the pancakes and PB&J home from BC in my luggage. You may judge me as you will, but it just means you have never had cold pancakes with PB&J and once you do you will not think it’s that weird for me to transport them, regardless of distance.

Anyways, here are some pictures of the view from our hike, with a slug thrown in for fun. I only look happy because I was glad to be at the top after being lied to for the last 30 minutes about where exactly the ‘top’ was. Turns out it wasn’t “right up there” the 4 times I was told that.  I must be slightly naive since I believed her all 4 times.They kept us company and we were kind enough to move them off the trail so they didn’t get crushed.

I don’t care if it’s pretty, I still don’t enjoy hiking!

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Going ‘Home’

Song to match my mood currently is “I’m so excited”. I don’t actually know the name of the song but we all know what I am talking about. I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it. I’m about to lose control and I think I like it. Well you get the idea.

Or…I’m leaving on a jet plane, I don’t know when I’ll be back again!

To beautiful British Columbia! Mmmm…I can smell the air already. Stepping out of the airport after you land in Vancouver, or anywhere around there I would imagine, is the most magnificent smell. It is so fresh and so green but more than anything it just makes you feel alive. It is possible that it is just my attitude upon arrival that makes me feel renewed, but one weekend there is better to me than multiple weeks in any tropical paradise.

Final note and last song:

Well, I’m going home, back to the place where I belong
And where your love has always been enough for me
I’m not running from, no, I think you got me all wrong
I don’t regret this life I chose for me
But these places and these faces are getting old
So I’m going home, well I’m going home

That song is the essence of how I feel when I’m on my way to the airport, flying (when not freaking out), landing and especially, getting off the plane and stepping out into the BC air. It is a wonderful feeling to be completely at home, fully comfortable and surrounded by the love of friends. I can only hope everyone has had this feeling, whether it be in an actual place or amazing company. We all deserve it and I am looking forward to it.

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I don’t smile, deal with it!

Most would say I am a pretty laid back person…HAH just kidding! Obviously I know that is not one of my strongest personality traits but EVERYONE knows I am not a smiley person. Why may I ask, is this such a huge deal?

I realize that I am not the norm, that many people choose to smile all day, smile to make someone else smile, smile to show they are  happy, smile even when they are faking it. But why am I constantly criticized for not being the norm? I hate that the norm is what is expected of us. So I don’t smile? Who cares? If you know me, you know I am a happy person (usually) and if I’m not happy you sure will know. I am becoming happier with each day as I am learning and discovering new things about myself and the world and people around me. Please stop telling me to smile, it’s not going to happen and it has no relation to my true happiness.

If you care to know how someone is doing or how they are feeling, rather than bugging or teasing them, how about you just take the time to ask, listen, and really mean “how are you doing today”. It’s a phrase I know I say so much in passing but it’s also something that if said from the heart can have a huge impact. Over the past couple months when I havent had someone by my side at all times to talk to, when I’ve heard those words and I know someone is honestly reaching out and caring it has an impact. Go ahead, give it a try.

PS. It’s called the Zaretsky scowl and I was born with it.

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