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Archive for January, 2011

Relax and let go?

Am I too uptight? Should I trust easier? Is it time I just relax and breathe and enjoy every moment in life rather than thinking too much?

I don’t believe there is a black or white, right or a wrong answer to that.

I have walls up, always have and always will. I think in some situations this is a great quality because sadly, there are people in life who, whether or not they realize it, are toxic and if I didn’t have walls they could potentially hurt me. I can spot these people and situations a mile away and block them out before they even get close. This is the good side of the coin, but there is always another side isn’t there.

The thing I’ve come to realize more and more is these walls that I have spent my entire life building up, also block me off from the great, fantastic, fabulous things in life that I am too afraid to experience.

I’m too afraid of people hurting me like others have. I’m too afraid to get close to someone and let me them in because they are guaranteed to disappoint me. I’m too afraid to be vulnerable with anyone because they won’t understand me. I’m just plain and simply too afraid.

I’ve been working on this. It isn’t an overnight fix. In all honesty I tried, did really well actually. I was so happy, smile on my face and incredibly proud of myself for lowering the walls even if only for a very short time. And you want to know what happened? I got hurt.

But I’m still standing aren’t I? Yes I was hurt, but the amazing thing was that I experienced hurt! Like really experienced it. I didn’t close myself off to the pain, I didn’t block the tears and I didn’t shut off my heart from feeling. Yes my walls went right back up, but now I feel like I have the choice to lower them when it’s safe.  I can feel things: happy, magical, sad, emotional, hard, breathtaking. 

I can now appreciate that experiencing those highs is sometimes totally worth the risk.

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mmm, delicious!

Lately I have been mentioning this a lot to the people around me and I have decided that the best thing to do is put this information out to the universe in the biggest way I know how in the hopes that it will come back and manifest itself in my life.

CARHARTT OVERALLS ARE SEXY!!!

Seriously, SEXY. I don’t know what it is about them, if it’s the man inside or the actual overalls themselves, but all I know is when a man walks into our office for a quote wearing them, everyone knows he is mine. Or when a man walks by me wearing them whether he is 3 ft tall or 1200 pounds and ugly as bum, I will always take a second look.

I think a big part of it is probably the type of man who is usually wearing them. And yes I know this is maybe a judgemental and not correct for EVERYONE but it’s my own little fantasy list so I’m going with it anyways.

Men who wear Carhartt coveralls:

– drive trucks, nice big manly trucks
– have double the size of arms as the average man (they work with their hands, this is obviously correct)
– drink beer

– have cute bums (if they don’t the overalls usually make it appear that they do)
– know how to start a fire, bait a hook, load a gun and change any part in their truck (and if they don’t they will pretend they do and you would never know the difference)
– have taken part in a bar fight at least once in their life, and won
– enjoy watching UFC with their buddies
– own one tie that they had to buy for when they were a groomsmen in a friend’s wedding
– do not waste their time shaving on a daily basis

Just writing this has put a smile on my face. Now I leave this in the hands of the “universe” (anyone reading who knows someone like I have described) to bring me my own Carhartt man!.

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So last night when I couldn’t sleep I tried to blog my intense frustration, but then for some reason I couldn’t log on here so I just wrote it all and am going to copy it here for your enjoyment. Here ya go…

SERIOUSLY! Kill me now!!

Let’s start at the beginning shall we. I’m usually the type of person that the second my head hits my pillow I am out, no tossing and turning, no thinking too much, head + pillow + fan = sleep. All 3 things in place regardless of any thing else going on and I am always sleeping within moments. It’s a fabulous little math equation but the thing with math is all the parts of the equation need to be there in order for the answer to work. Which brings me to my current problem.

This morning while I was getting ready, my fan, which I have to admit has been on since around June and never turned off, decided to short-circuit. I decided not to worry about it then thinking I would unplug it, let it rest for the day, come home at night and everything would be better. Well, no such luck. I tried turning it on before hopping into bed and although it did make noise, the blades wouldn’t spin and I decided the noise wasn’t worth dying in an electrical fire over.

Though now every moment that goes by the fire sounds more appealing. Not only do I have no fan, but to make matters worse, I have a new neighbour that has decided to play some stupid, bad music, shoot em up war video game loud enough for me to make out every sound through my wall.

Don’t judge me, I am a good neighbour, I smile in the hallways, I open the front door for people, but I definitely just banged on my wall. I couldn’t help it. I feel like I am going crazy. And it didn’t solve anything, he is still playing. Now I just feel embarrassed. Oh well, I’ve done it once, should I just bang louder? Too late….I did…..

And again….WHY ISN’T HE STOPPING!!?!?!?!

No joke, I am going crazy. I’m going to try to convince my brain to go to sleep and hopefully this moron will beat his level and decide sleep sounds like a good plan. Wish me luck.

Update: He stopped about 30 minutes later, at 1:30 am. The idiot must not have a job to get up and go to in the morning…I hate my new neighbour.

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