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A QUARTER OF A CENTURY!

I’m turning 25 on Friday, I know you think I am crazy but I’m feeling old and it is terrifying me. I realize that 25 is just a portion of the long life I am going to live but aging really scares me. Am I the only one?

Like what am I going to look like in another 25 years? It’s such an unknown. Am I going to be wrinkly, saggy and old-looking? My mom and dad look good for their age, will I look like that or will I look like a crazy old woman? Will my joints hurt? People always complain about their backs hurting and I have never felt that way, as I age am I going to become crippled?

And what is my life going to be like in 25 years? Will I be single? Married? Kids? In Calgary? Working? Dead? Who knows!! I could freaking be dead in 25 years! Mind you I know I could be dead tomorrow but it seems so much more possible in 25 years…I can’t even begin to think about 50 years.

I think it is just the unknown. Aging gives me anxiety, or the unknown gives me anxiety I guess. I like being in control and I can’t control what is going to happen tomorrow. But I guess if I want to be positive I can just think how exciting that is. Tomorrow my life could turn in a whole different direction. I could be spun like a top and not know where I am going to land and although that isn’t exactly in my comfort zone things have been working out pretty well with me so I should just enjoy it.

Though in all honesty, I found 2 huge wrinkles on my forehead in the last couple weeks so if someone knows of a cream that actually works I would appreciate if you passed on that info.

 

A Whole New Me

As of Monday I have lost 30 pounds. 30 pounds of fat, negativity, baggage, unhappiness and bitter feelings.

Working out and seeing the difference in my body and strength has been wonderful, but that is only part of the reason I have kept going. Losing weight I have not only gotten rid of excess disgustingness on my body, but I have begun the process of getting rid of the crap that has been surrounding my heart for so long.

For the first time in longer than I can remember I have a smile on my face on a regular basis, and when it isn’t on my face I can feel it in my body. I like getting ready in the morning, I like looking at myself in the mirror, I am proud to go out with my friends, I want to go out and live my life! I can’t wait for summer to be out living and laughing and making memories in the sun (if it ever stays out)! I just feel so positive towards the future and it’s because I chose to start on the journey to making me a better person.

We all need to stand up and start living the life we want. Start choosing ourselves and what makes us happy. We only get one life, one body, one mind, what are we doing with it? I was sitting on the couch eating chips, watching TV and trying to convince myself I was okay when I wasn’t. I am now choosing to make ME happy, I deserve it and so do you!

Started!

Yesterday I flew home from Abbotsford. Turns out Abbotsford is the least equipped airport ever and I couldn’t even buy a magazine to read on my flight. Therefore I needed to do something to distract myself from my fear of flying so I started writing. This may be as far as this goes because I didn’t really plan out my story and I think if you want to write a novel there really is a lot of planning before you begin but who knows. Here is the start of it, let me know what you think.

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Another weekend come and gone, far too quickly in Savanna’s opinion as she sat at the airport terminal waiting to board her flight back home. She had really grown to cherish these weekends away; a perfect relaxing reprieve from her Monday to Friday, at times, mundane life. Looking back there were days when she didn’t appreciate what she had at the family cabin but luckily those times were behind her.

As a child she spent endless summer nights at the ocean front home and fell in love with the freedom it brought her. The open green fields to run around in, the sand at the beach between her toes, the splashing fun in the water with her sister. She would well up with tears at the end of every stay as she packed her suitcase preparing to leave.

Then came those difficult teenage years and she went from loving to loathing the getaways. Instead of seeing the cabin as a place of freedom she saw it as a prison. A place where she couldn’t just run down the street to see her best friend Layla and gossip about their newest crushes and enemies. She felt stuck for days and weeks on end in a place she didn’t want to be and with a family she used to consider weird.

It wasn’t until she returned from university that she realized just how wonderful the cabin was and now as she made her way to her row on the plane she longed instead to be sitting on the deck listening to the water.

That was until she saw him.

OMG, she thought to herself as what appeared to be the perfect man boarded the plane. How did she not notice him at the gate, HE was noticeable. He had to be at least 6 feet tall, broad shoulders, dark hair, a couple days of scruff on his face, jeans that fit in all the right places. Just her type! And was he looking towards her row? Normally she got seated beside old smelly men or young couples who liked to fondle each other the whole flight. The closer he got to her row the more she thought maybe going home this time wasn’t so bad after all.

But wait! Being used to sitting beside people she never wanted to talk to, she didn’t know how to start a conversation on a plane with someone she was actually interested in? She didn’t want to be one of those annoying people who talk your ear off the whole flight when you have no interest in what they are saying. What was she supposed to say if he sat beside her? Well, no time to think about that as he smiled and sat in 18E. She knew ALWAYS choosing seat 18F would one day pay off. Thank you universe!

“Hi,” she mustered along with a smile she hoped did NOT say ‘You are the hottest man I’ve ever seen and I’m freaked out we are sitting within inches of each other for the next hour and a half’.

“Hi,” he returned along with a smile she hoped DID say ‘You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I am going to be forever grateful to have been so lucky to be seated beside you for an  hour and a half.’

Well 2 whole words down, great job Savanna! She always reverted to junior high nerves when she met attractive men, though this really couldn’t be considered a meeting yet.

She always wished she could be one of those women that beamed confidence, but, no such luck. Maybe it was the 6 year relationship she was in during the pivotal “learn how to flirt years” or maybe it was just her low self-esteem she always pretended she didn’t have. But really what did she have to be self-conscious about?

She had a great job, a decent body that she worked 3-4 times a week at the gym to maintain, a fabulous group of friends and a cute little apartment. Not to mention her fantastic sense of humor, loyal heart and hard-working attitude if her mother had anything to add to the discussion.

And still the fear overcame her as this handsome man sat just inches away.

Maybe she should try the flirting techniques Layla just taught her, the triple look with a coy smile. Or was that only supposed to be used for across the room situations, like a bar? Would that be too obvious for someone sitting this close? She guessed probably. Next time she saw Layla she would have to clarify the details with her, but all this thinking wasn’t helping with the now. This sexy ‘work with his hands’ type man was still sitting beside her and they hadn’t gone past their initial greeting.

But now with stewardesses going through the safety procedures departure was imminent, which meant her blood pressure was rising, regardless of him sitting beside her or not. No matter how many flights she had taken she still hated that first 20 minutes after take off. She seemed to remember hearing somewhere the majority of crashes took place in that time frame and her brain never let her forget that. Flying also went against her need to be in control which always made for an uncomfortable situation.

She supposed she would just have to forget about Sexy18E for the next few minutes and concentrate on regulating her breathing and hopefully distracting herself from the plane crash she always imagined.

As the wheels of the plane lifted from the solid concrete underneath she braced her right hand on the seat in front of her, closed her eyes and breathed deeply.

“You alright?”

Shocked, she opened her eyes, looked to the left and Sexy18E was looking at her with what looked like genuine concern.

“Oh ya! This is just me, white knuckled flyer. No matter how often I do it, never seems to get easier for me,” she surprisingly quickly retorted.   

Look at that, a whole 2 sentences! She couldn’t help but blush with a little bit of pride in herself.

“Is Philadelphia or Portland home?” It took her a second to realize he was still talking to her and before she could respond he quickly continued, “Sorry, I don’t mean to bug. If you want silence on your flight I will shut my trap.”

“Oh no, no,” she answered in what she hoped came off apologetically. “Conversation would probably help distract from the fear growing inside me during take off. I HATE take off.”

“Okay,” he smiled. And when he did she felt instantly relaxed. That smile was charming. He must have a girlfriend and if not, then women have to be falling on him everywhere he goes. And yet, he was still talking to her. “So is it Philadelphia or Portland then?”

“Oh right. Well, I guess it depends what you consider home. Philadelphia is where I work, live, pay my bills, but Portland, actually South Portland is where I find my happiness. I try to spend as many weekends I can throughout the year there, but especially the summer. It’s just so beautiful, so peaceful and so relaxing. I feel alive the second I step off the plane and smell the ocean.”

Wow. She needed to stop blabbing, he wasn’t her counselor, he was Sexy18E and she was going to scare him off. He was kind enough to start a conversation and she couldn’t shut up.

“Sorry,” she continued. “That was a long-winded answer for something that could have been one word. What about you,” she paused hoping he would take the pause as the chance to introduce himself.

“Evan, my name is Evan. And neither is my home. I’m actually from Chicago and on my way there, but I have a layover in Phili.”

“Well nice to meet you Evan from Chicago, I’m Savanna,” she said with a cute grin and a tilt of her head.

Maybe this whole flirting thing wasn’t as hard as it seemed, or maybe it was just that smile of his that was making her feel strangely comfortable. Either way she was intrigued and for the first time in a long time, thought she may actually enjoy her flight back to the city.

Superstitions

Am I the only one who has superstitions? I have SO many, which I think may stem from my mild OCD that originally started when I was younger.

I do everything in even numbers. But not ANY even number. Things need to be done in 4’s, 8’s, 12’s, 18’s or 28’s, and 4’s are only done in desperate situations. I’m not sure why but it freaks me out if things don’t go this way. If I have soap or shampoo with a pump, I need 18 pumps or I am super freaked out someone is going to break into my bathroom and kill me. Seriously I open my shower curtain constantly! I have realized I waste sooooo much shampoo this way so I’m working on relaxing with this. I also take the whole don’t step on a crack thing seriously, if you pay attention when I walk I will never step on the lines. I know it sounds ridiculous, but hey it’s me.

Tomorrow my paranoia will be put to the test because everything is out of my comfort zone! When I fly to Vancouver I take the 3pm flight on Friday and I sit in seat 18F. I hate flying no matter how often I do it and having these couple of things always the same makes it better for me. Well, tomorrow my flight is at 4pm, I’m flying to ABBOTSFORD and I got seat 6F. Too many changes makes for one anxious flight! It’s only an hour and 20 minute trip so lets hope sky-rocket blood pressure for that long won’t kill me.

And if you remember, say a little prayer at around 4pm for a smooth flight and that my paranoia isn’t justified. Thanks!

Thankful

Today is my little sister’s birthday. She is a whole 23 years old! What an old hag hey!

   

Anyways, with thinking about her extra today it has really brought into the forefront of my mind how much I love my family and the dynamic we have created as a team. Our family is loud, we love each other deeply, we fight hard and we will always be loyal to the end. My mom was never against letting us have a food fight at the dinner table or a balloon fight right at the front door. We have laughed until we’ve cried and would drop anything to be there for each other if real tears were present.

My relationships with my family members are not superficial. We don’t put on pretend happy faces when we have to get together for obligatory family dinners. We genuinely want to see each other and if we don’t you will see it in our scowl. I am so thankful for this. I am thankful that I know I have people I can always turn to and I am thankful we have all had a place we can all be our true selves, especially since our true selves aren’t always pretty.

I see some people and they have to put on an act of who they think their family expects them to be. Families should be a place of unconditional acceptance and I am lucky enough to be a part of one that is.

Thank you Mom for creating the dynamic you have and thank you Marie for being a part of it! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

As promised

I would just like to start out by saying that these pictures don’t do justice to how red I actually am, but hey I’m not a photographer, I did what I could. I also went tanning right after the gym so don’t judge the hair.

As you can see very clearly on my foot, places with tingle=bright red, places without tingle=not so much. And yes I am aware I NEED a pedicure.

This is a highly exaggerated facial expression as it may look like a sunburn but I am actually so toasty warm and kinda just feel like I am wrapped in a heated blanket. It’s quite wonderful in fact. Just need to remember I can never make plans for after a tan if I’m going to use a tingle. Can you imagine if I showed up on a first date looking like this?

Take a hint!

I have clients sitting at my desk multiple times a day, it’s one of the things I LOVE about my job. The face to face interaction is great (especially if it’s a hot guy).  Now I have a question for you all, if you are sitting at someone’s desk, let’s say a bank, your mortgage broker, your insurance office, whatever the case may be, do you believe it is your right to twist your body and look at their computer screen?

If you do, you are SO wrong. Just because you are sitting at my desk and you have asked me to do something for you does not mean you need to be leaning over my desk, creeping into my personal space and trying to get a glimpse at my computer screen.

#1. I don’t want to feel your breath on my skin, I have a big desk and I like the distance, so stay planted in your seat. 

#2. What if I was having a personal conversation on my instant messaging system that will do nothing but embarrass both you and I if you were to see it. Ya, ya, ya, maybe I could just cut those conversations out of my day but how about you just stop creeping on my screen instead.

#3. Now this may come as a surprise, you are NOT my only client. Before you came and sat at my desk I was working on something for someone else, in fact you probably interrupted me since my clients never make appointments. Just because you are sitting at my desk and I am working on your policy does not mean that I don’t have 5 other things open at the same time with personal information that does not belong to you.

My 4th and final point, if you are creeping closer to me and twisting your body so you can see my screen and I obviously turn it away from you and you twist more because I have now made your creeping inconvenient I WILL say something. I will tell you what is on my computer screen is none of your business and that you need to sit down in your seat, if there is something I feel you need to see (which there won’t be) I will show you. So please, listen to this and stay planted on your butt when you are sitting at someone else’s desk, I don’t like having to teach adults manners.  

Or maybe someone could just find me one of these…