I haven’t been sleeping for the past few days and with my sleepless nights comes too much thinking and the realization that I may be a little bonkers. I want to share a very small portion of the weird things that go through my mind to see if I really am the only one or if I have any certifiable allies out there.
So last night after watching the fabulous return of The Real Housewives of NY, I decided to climb into bed at 10:15. Let’s start there. I am scared of the dark. I cannot turn off the light in my living room without turning on the light in my bedroom first. The idea of walking those 3 steps between the two in darkness strikes me with all-encompassing fear and my breathing speeds up, not good. If I end up in darkness, if only for a moment, I must turn on all the lights again before starting the whole process over properly. Someone could be hiding under my couch or behind my tv, I don’t take risks here.
I run from my light switch to my bed and I lay there. And I lay there. And I lay there some more. I try closing my eyes, I try opening my eyes. I try playing Line Birds and Race Penguin (download those games if you don’t have them already!) Nothing is working! I cannot sleep. Should I read? Should I get up? Should I stay laying still? Should I stop thinking? How does a person stop thinking? Is that what men do? Is it a conscious decision like I am trying to make it or does it just come naturally?
It is impossible to turn off my brain. That whole “a woman needs to speak 20,000 words a day” is proving itself to be true. I lay there and I think about how many words I have spoken that day. The people I talked to at work, my clients, the lady at the gym. And then I realize I haven’t spoken out loud since 5:20pm. That’s 5 hours without noise coming out of my mouth while awake. I realize I haven’t de-compressed from my day. I haven’t spoken to any one about how my day was, what frustrated me (the annoying client that doesn’t trust what I say to be true, I’m not an idiot lady!!), what made me laugh (not much, I work in insurance, give me a break). And then I think, should I talk to myself?
And I lay there thinking. Seriously, should I decompress with myself? I start to have a conversation about my day, but for some reason don’t speak out loud. I find this odd because the whole idea was to use up my words for the day so I could turn off my brain and go to sleep, but no words will come out of my mouth. The conversation doesn’t help, I feel no more tired or ready for sleep, so I start spelling. And this is where I’m pretty sure I’m an anomaly.
When I get scared or antsy or nervous or anything really that needs relaxing or just mind numbing I spell the sentences I am thinking in my head. I literally do this.
Capital I space l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y space d-o space t-h-i-s period
I don’t know why I do this. It’s unusual, I know and I am resisting doing it right now while I type, but alas it worked! I fell asleep the quickest I have all week. And then, as luck would have it, I was jolted awake by the strum of my ring tone only to start the whole process all over again.
And that my friends, is one wonderful night inside my brain.
Insatiable Moments 